Grapes in Your Time Machine

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Grapes in Your Time Machine

Post by Magic Pi on Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:34 pm

Do you know what I hate most about being adopted? My evil, demonic parents. They’re not particularly barbaric in how they treat me, but they went to extreme measures to make sure I’m NEVER better in ANY WAY than their real daughter. They never let me try out for high school sports, or apply for advanced classes, or join school clubs, and that made me feel totally and completely average. They even gave me an average name. Jill. Yeah, I know, it sucked.
Honestly, I hated them. Hated them like I hate asparagus, or dirty leeches. In a way, they were leeches. They leeched my success from me. I knew I could be better. I absolutely knew it.
That’s why I bought a time machine.
I know you’re probably thinking something like, “Why would a time machine help Jill try out for clubs or sports and be more than average?”
You see, I thought I could go back to when I was young and stop myself from being adopted by these horrible people. That, and it’s a time machine. Duh. How many averagely-normal people own a time machine?
Anyways, I bought a time machine for ten bucks from some guy who lives on my street and owns a hamster. It was just a tattered cardboard box with the words “Time machine” written on the side, but I was sure it would work (if not, I do have about average intelligence, so that would explain a lot). I snuck outside to my backyard, away from my Draconian parents and bratty sister. If they knew I had a time machine, of all things, they would fry me worse than the charred toast they fed me for breakfast.
I opened the manual that came with the box and read, “Disclaimer: any sanity or limbs lost in the time stream are not covered by our 1,000 year warranty. Remember, time is purple, so DO NOT, under any circumstance, take any—“ the screen door on the house slid open just a crack. In my haste, I threw the manual on the grass, pressed some buttons, and fled into the fabric of time. If only I had taken the manual and read just the rest of the sentence. If only.
A vortex of purple light swirled around me and my little cardboard time machine. I landed right in the middle of… My backyard. “What?!” I yelped aloud. The weather was different however, and I realized my machine actually worked when a stout, pudgy, red-faced man waddled out of the back screen door. He looked exactly like my creepy “dad”, except this one had hair.
“What ‘chu doing in my yard?” He shouted with a wave of his fist.
I grabbed my time machine and dashed out of there.
I stumbled along the streets of the past until I arrived at the doorstep of Happy Homes Orphanage, where my six-year-old self was sure to be.
Just in time, too; I could hear the click-click-click sound of my “mother’s” heels as she walked down the sidewalk.
The orphanage was as dark and dank as I remembered it. The carpets smelled, the sofas were torn, and miscellaneous toys were strewn across the floor.
Someone I remembered, little Nelly Nickels, a mean short girl with black hair wrapped up in a red bow was busy torturing a tiny girl who looked surprisingly familiar. That tiny person was me.
“Mother” grabbed young me by the elbow and dragged me to a desk without even looking at little me. “I choose this one,” she said.
“Alright, then,” replied the matron, “Come this way.” Both of their heels clacked down the hallway and into an office, leaving tiny me behind.
I remember this as the worst day of my life. I was adopted by the worst parents, moved to the worst neighborhood, and had the worst sister imaginable. I couldn’t let myself go through that horror again, so I did the first thing I could think of. I yanked some grapes from a nearby bowl and dangled them in front of my six-year-old face.
“Do you want the grapes?” I cooed.
The little girl’s hands reached out toward them. She opened and closed her hands and whined. Grapes were my favorite food at that age.
I wiggled the tasty purple grapes one more time before walking backwards out the door with tiny me trotting behind. I coaxed her into the time machine and set the grapes in the box.
“Warning! Warning! Purple objects detected! Time stream anomaly imminent! Warning! Warning!” A metallic voice screeched at me.
I had no time to heed the warning; I could hear the clacking heels of the witch who wanted to adopt me, so I pushed a few buttons and flew through time into tomorrow.
The purple vortex appeared and quickly dissipated.
Tiny me stretched out a hand. “Gimme gwapes now.” I handed her a grape, and just as she was about to shove it into her mouth, the grape said,
“Whoa, hold on there. What on earth are you doing?”
Little Jill dropped the grape and scurried into a corner.
“No need to be afraid, little one. I’m just your ordinary physicist—“ The grape stood up and examined himself. “Oh, wait, no I’m not. It seems there has been some ‘Time confusion,’ so to speak. Time was confused, so it inserted a little history into every one of these here grapes.”
“Wow!” I exclaimed, “How did you know all this?”
“Because I’m Albert Einstein: physicist, inventor, and grape.” My jaw dropped.
My young self, who was cowering behind the wall five minutes ago, now flopped into my arms. She was gagging and turning so red, she was almost purple. I pressed on her stomach a few times and she coughed up a grape, which ran away screaming, “You’ll nevah catch meh aliiiiive!”
“Jill,” I scolded, “did you try to eat that talking grape?”
“No,” she whimpered.
I sneered, “Oh. So you expect me to believe it made you eat it. Sure.”
“Yes, it weally did!”
“Yeah, right.”
“No, it twied to choke me! You weally hav’ta believe me!”
“It tried to choke you?”
At that instant, some random old man dropped on the sidewalk next to me. His eyes were rolled back into his head. A slime covered grape slithered out of his mouth. It chortled and stomped off into the distance.
Jill fainted into my arms, almost as dead as the man laying on the cement.
“Aagh!” I cried, flailing my arms, “What if that one grape WANTS to murder people?”
“That is a possibility,” Replied grape Einstein, “That rogue grape could be any deranged murderer who has ever lived.”
A familiar sounding pair of heels clicked down the sidewalk. It was “Mother,” with the out of shape “Father” panting right behind her.
“I swear I had the child,” huffed “Mother,” her face twisted into an expression of rage.
“Momma, I want a sister! I want one! Now!” wailed my idiotic “Sister,” Darbie. Her hair was wrapped up into two buns, both stiff with hairspray, and her brand new braces gave her a lisp when she spoke. I’m just guessing here, but I think she was probably almost ten.
“Father” spotted me, me, and Einstein in the cardboard box. “Hey! You was on my yard yesterday!”
“Mother” saw Jill, limp in my arms. “And that’s the child I was going to adopt!”
“Sister?” Darbie asked. Her mom nodded. A wicked grin crossed her face and her hands rubbed each other. “Let’s get her.”
I hoisted myself onto my shoulders and grabbed Einstein the grape.
“Mother” walked inside the orphanage, probably to grab the matron, while Darbie and “Father” football-rushed us.
I took off running down the street. I was carrying a six-year-old, a conscious grape, and a time machine, so you can probably guess I wasn’t the fastest runner in the world at the moment.
“Father” was so close I could feel his rancid breath on my neck. Luckily for me, just as he was about to grab little Jill’s shirt, an unknown woman dropped dead in between us. The demonic grape crawled out from her lips and I sprinted for the orphanage.
The evil grape chased after “Father”. Looks like he would be his next victim, but I had no time to watch.
I was on Happy Homes Orphanage’s porch, about to open the door when the matron walked outside and accidentally bumped into me. “Excuse me, I didn’t mean to—Oh my stars! What did you DO to this poor little girl?!” a hand flew to her mouth and her eyes expanded wide as dinner plates. She yanked little me from off my shoulders and slammed the door on me. “Child-hurting criminals like you are not allowed behind these doors. EVER!”
I held out grape Einstein in the palm of my hand. “What do I do?” I pleaded.
He shrugged and reminded me, “I think the grape-murderer is a more pressing matter.”
“But the exact thing I came here to stop is about to happen right now! I’m going to be adopted by maybe the worst parents ever!”
“And who knows how many innocent lives will have to fade away before you accomplish that? You’re not even allowed behind those doors.”
“You’re right.” I sighed. “I’ll give up my happiness for the lives of others.”
“Good job.” Said Einstein.
My footsteps clapped against the sidewalk as I hurried down the street in search of the grape. I didn’t have to run far; just down the street from the orphanage I saw “Father” on his knees, holding his throat, and turning blue. With one swift kick to the stomach from Darbie, he coughed up a gooey purple grape which hollered, “You’ll nevah catch meh aliiiive!” and sped toward the orphanage.
To avoid being recognized by “Father” and Darbie, I ducked into a nearby shop wondering how I was going to get into Happy Homes undetected. Lucky for me, I happened to be in a costume shop. It didn’t take an Einstein to figure out what to do next.
I casually strolled into the orphanage with my hair hidden in a top hat. I wore a trench coat, tall galoshes, a fake mustache, and some fake nose-mustache-glasses. Don’t ask me why I had both mustache glasses and a fake mustache; I just thought it would make me look more secretive.
“Hullo, ma’am,” I said to a woman at a desk in my deepest voice possible.
“Welcome. Are you here to adopt a child?”
“Uh, yes. Uh, why else would I be here? Certainly not to stop any adoptions or catch evil grapes or crazy things like that.” I could almost hear Einstein groaning in my front pocket from this pitiful charade.
“Okay, sir, come right this way.” She stood up. “If you don’t mind me asking, why are you wearing a trench coat? It’s ninety degrees outside.”
I lethargically answered, “Why… aren’t… you?”
“Okay then…” She led me to a room full of playing children. It had two large desks inside, one in each back corner. Standing at one and arguing with the matron was “Mother”.
“I demand that child NOW!” She held a fist to the matron’s face, who calmly pushed it away and explained,
“She’s just playing a game of hide-and-seek. She’ll turn up before long, so be patient.”
“Patient? I have a schedule to keep!”
I saw a purple dot on the floor out of the corner of my eye. The grape! It jumped into the toy box and when the person who was assisting me wasn’t looking, I snuck away and tipped over the toy box.
Lots of colorful thingamabobs and doodads cascaded out from the bin, but perhaps the most colorful thing of all was the face of a familiar little orphan girl who held her hands around her neck while gagging.
“Hey!” Shouted “Mother” as she pointed a sausage finger at me, “I’m adopting that one!”
When I thought my situation couldn’t get any worse, it did. Darbie and “Father” burst through the doors and Darbie yelled, “Gimme my sister!”
Frantic and confused as a first grader in algebra, I retorted, “No, I’M adopting her! She’s mine!”
Einstein whispered from my pocket, “That little one is choking!”
Focused once more, I pushed on my little chest and out flew a grape. Jill gasped a deep breath of sweet air and the grape landed at the feet of none other than Darbie. “Ooh, yummy grape! I want it,” she chirped. The grape smiled devilishly as she pinched it between her fingers.
Her mother ordered, “Honey, don’t eat that. It’s been on the floor.”
It’s been in places a lot worse than the floor, I mused.
Darbie ignored her. “Eww, I don’t want the skin.” She bared her metallic teeth and ground the entire outside of the grape against her braces. It wailed in agony and went silent once all of its skin was shaved off. Darbie chomped it in half once, then twice, and then finally finished it off.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or throw up, but I didn’t have time to decide because “Mother” ran over and grabbed Jill by the arms. “I’m going to adopt this one,” she said to the same worker who was helping me a few minutes ago.
“Oh, I’m sorry, but this kind man here wanted to adopt her.”
“But I wanted to adopt the child first.”
“Yeah, but he saved her life, so I think he gets the privilege of adopting her.”
“Mother” opened and closed her mouth like a fish. The worker handed me some papers to sign, and I initialed each one.
I hugged little Jill and cheered, “Yes! Now I don’t have to be adopted by those creeps anymore!”
Einstein the grape squeezed between our (or should I say my) hug and furrowed his brow. “What do you mean when you say YOU don’t have to get adopted by creeps?”
“I came back in time to stop myself from being adopted by the people I was adopted by, and it totally worked.”
I saw the horror in his eyes as he said, “You adopted yourself? Do you realize what you’ve done?”
“No, I don’t realize what I’ve done. What did I do?” Einstein didn’t have time to explain because he exploded. Then most of the people in the room exploded. Then little Jill exploded. Then I exploded. Then Happy Homes Orphanage exploded. Then the Earth exploded. Then the sun exploded. Then the galaxy exploded. Then all of the other galaxies exploded. Then the universe exploded, and everything was nothing.
Then Darbie said, “Yum.”

THE END


_________________
Stella Wood, the shapeshifting human... who apparently always carries a shovel
Sabi Star the dip (demon dog)
Magic Bananas the baby phoenix
Herbert Ernest the elderly elf
Amber the phoenix

There was a young lady named Bright,
Whose speed was far faster than light.
She went out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned the previous night!
Whale + Toast = Cactus

~Please~
Do not annoy the writer. She will put you in a book and kill you.

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Magic Pi
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